In this dance I cannot say that I felt the love. What happened before this dance was as follows.
“It’s beginning to snow. I have to go outside and dance.” So I vacillated around obtaining a camera person. I couldn’t find one and opted for the moment instead of a plan. Going through my options I saw a lantern shade on my kitchen table; my dad had put it there. I grabbed my –performance soiled- red piece of fabric and my black baggy pants and attempted to create a costume.
Costumes: They can be my method of hiding. They also seem to say a lot about me. And what is lovely is sometimes, as in this case, they fall off, and I’m forced to keep going without my plan. That’s fine.
I realize that LOVE was the topic for this month, and I tried to load other videos of myself attempting to embody some form of my love. This video is the one that ended up working. Somehow the other ones had technical difficulties, (or rather, I had technical difficulties)
I feel that a lot of the same old stuff is to bear in this video. I felt a little exhilarated that I was finally putting my ass in front of a camera and doing something. There was a degree of increasing self respect in myself for that action.
I have to say though, craft and the creation of an intentional display of “something” is where my mind always goes. It is as if I pull towards two opposing forces, and have negotiations in the middle of the field before the war.
I began sessions with an EFT Practitioner which has a lot to do with loving yourself. In fact much of what you say goes something like "Even though...blah blah blah...I love myself anyway."
Also here is a video I found very inspiring.
http://www.
Although I cannot say it hasn’t begun, I can say no one has won. The war between chaos and order that is.
If I were to say that this video has anything to do with Love, or that I planned to make it about Love I wouldn’t be telling the truth. I did however have the topic in my head—and so, an ounce of awareness around Love must have existed in my dance.
I would say, as I said before, that I am hiding. I am afraid of Love actually. I do not think I understand it, and therefore I fear it. Loving my parents happened, I have strong emotions for them, and for my brother. I know that. There are others in my life who I love, and have loved.
At present however I could say that my Love has shrouded its light with a household lamp shade and obtained an implement to toil over, the mortar and pestle.
There are actions which I understand will imbue my presence with emotion. Dancing with my father could have been some such action. However I didn’t ask him. It could yield some interesting results because my father self-proclaims that he doesn’t like dancing, but that he used to.
I can already hear the encouragement to dance with my father. Please refrain from doing so. I think it would keep me from it more. And I would be reacting to the obligations of a heartfelt suggestion. A suggestion I have suggested to myself already. I will ask him when the time is right.
Either my analysis of the state of my Love can be found in this video because it’s there, or you can make anything appear to hold what you seek with clever words. I really don’t know.
I appear to be acting out a form of fake happiness. And in some points my face in concert with the mortar and pestle is poking fun at the elusive yet tormenting subject of love/fear and it’s indiscriminate dance.
